How not to be a dick AT WORK, ACCORDING TO YOU
By Emily Parker
For your amusement and education, we've written down some of the most bullshit, hilarious and downright offensive corporate jargon we've heard on the job in our first few years of work, (a few are your own pukey faves, lovely readers, as submitted on Instagram). The real cardinal sins of vocalised corporate wankerdom. Enjoy.
“Let’s take this offline”
(this means let’s talk about this in five minutes when we’re standing up)
“This is all wet clay”
(well of course it is. If it was dry clay there’d be nothing to do here)
“Let’s just blue-sky this one”
(you mean actually just think about it properly?)
“As per my last email”
(A passive-aggressive way of saying I suddenly can’t read?)
(You mean, this is the last time you’re going to say this and I better fucking listen?)
“I’ve copied in X”
(Do you think I’d try to lie if you hadn’t copied in X?)
(Everyone knows that means ‘fuck you’)
“I like to call this ‘stratéegiarizing’”
(Do you mean strategizing? I think you just mean strategizing)
“Ping me an email”
(Just say send)
“Give me a buzz”
(Just say call)
“Drop me a text”
(Again, just say send)
“I’d like you to own this”
(Why don’t you just say, ‘can you fucking do it plz I don’t have time’?)
“I’d like you to action this”
(Just say please fucking do it?)
“We don’t need to reinvent the wheel here”
(Cos we can’t really be bothered to)
“They’re really playing hardball here”
(Yep, we agree, they are being wankers)
“Let’s take this project ‘off-piste’”
“Let’s circle back”
(You mean return to the point you made earlier that everyone ignored?)
“I think an idea shower would help here”
(I’m sorry, a what?)
“Let’s go after the low-hanging fruit”
“That’s interesting, let’s double-click that”
(Yes, I have actually seen someone begin emails to a client in this way. I have no words for this one. Well, except ass. And kiss)
(somehow even worse than the above)
"Let me access my thought palace"
(Your memories aren't a palace, they're a crock of shit).
"Let's just check our mirrors"
"Do you have capacity?"
(are you talking about my stomach, my weight...?)
“Let’s make sure we’re all singing from the same hymn sheet”
(shall we all join a choir together? I reckon it’d be more fun that this)
“Let’s park this for now”
(If you want to go out and get a sandwich just say so hun)
“Close of play”
(If this feels like playing to you I feel sorry for your friends)
Image from The Office.
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